Whine? Not! Four Ways to Deal with Whining Children We've got advice about teaching your preschooler to find less annoying ways to get what she wants. By Caroline Schaefer

Step 1: React
Put away the earplugs and take action. "Kids can whine all day, easily outlasting a parent who is trying to tune it out," says Rene Hackney, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist in Alexandria, Virginia. "The longer you let your child complain, the more determined she'll become to get her way." Instead, help your child understand that her whining voice is very hard to listen to. You can say, "I can't understand you when you whine. If you want to tell me how you feel, then I need you to use your regular voice." Don't assume she knows what it means to whine. Demonstrate how it sounds by whining back at her, suggests Hayward. Also, take stock of whether she may be whining because she's tired or hungry. Sticking to a nap schedule and stashing a snack in your purse for outings can help prevent a major meltdown.


Step 2: Relate
Try to get to the bottom of your kid's bellyaching. Is he whining because he's trying to control a situation? If that's the case, give him a job that relates to that specific scenario. For instance, if he whines about how long you're taking at the supermarket, let him choose which apples to bag or how many bagels to buy.

Is he simply venting? Just as you like to gripe to your partner about a bad day at work or a stressful exchange with another mom, 3- and 4-year-olds need to express themselves too. You might start by saying, "I know you really want to have an extra balloon, but each child gets only one at the party," Dr. Hackney advises. This will validate his feelings and also give him a reason why you're rejecting his request.



Step 3: Rephrase
Whenever I take Avery along to the drugstore, she pleads at the top of her lungs when she sees the seductive selection of candy at the checkout aisle. To keep her quiet (and to avoid the cashier's scowls), I usually give in to her squeals for chocolate within a nano-second. Dr. Hackney suggests a better strategy, which will keep both me and the dentist happy: "Ask her to use her nice voice and to say please, and demonstrate exactly what to say and how to say it. Once she does that, you can then respond to her request with a yes or a reasoned no."

Although you may be tempted to punish your child if she continues to whine, that's not the best solution, says Hayward. "Taking away something like a favorite toy or a special privilege doesn't teach kids how to engage in a positive way in order to get what they're after and just ends up adding to their feelings of powerlessness."


Step 4: Reward
When your preschooler does ask you for something in a calm, sweet way ("Can I please have a cookie?"), it's a perfect opportunity to recognize and reinforce his good behavior. "Don't be afraid to gush! You can say, 'Wow, what a lovely way to ask. That sounded so nice,' " says Dr. Hackney. Even if you refuse his request ("We are going to save our appetite for dinner and skip the cookie now"), pointing out how well he used his good voice will make him less likely to resort to whining next time. You'll be relieved you've silenced the din, and he'll have learned how to make himself heard.

Originally published in the January 2011 issue of Parents magazine.